About me

 

Women as sexually proud beings is a thing regarded with shock and horror in society, as we are often raised to be “good girls” even when we are destined to become women.

We are not meant to enjoy the fervours of sex we are merely vessels to carry the generation on so that our species continue for eternity.

The idea of a woman talking openly about sex and her desires is shocking and wrought with disgust and shame, you smutty hussy, you whore, you jezebel.

The notion that a woman shall watch and enjoy porn of all genres, obscene!

Even more so the idea that a woman shall choose not to carry on the next generation within her own body, because of her sexual orientation being so-called unnatural – is almost to sentence that poor woman to death to the narrow-minded and evil of society.

Being someone like me who is happily bisexual and I would say with a gender identity issue where I want to be both genders at the same time – I find the idea of people trying to force their views of sexuality onto another being very disturbing. 

Because I believe everyone has the freedom of choice to do as they wish their own personal lives and bodies without fear of judgement and violent backlash.

I personally have a split down the middle mind-set about my orientation, I am bisexual, I find both men and women attractive within the confines of what I believe makes an attractive person.  I am super feminine and maternal, but I also have times where I feel very athletic, strong and masculine. 

Each day is different; I wake up wanting and liking different things and wanting and being different people.

Some days I wake up and I want to be the stereotypical glamorous woman with long hair and who isn’t afraid of being sexualised by society, with her cleavage hanging out and a dominant daddy by her side clutching her buttocks!

But some days I wake up and I feel tempted to chop my hair short and gel it and dress myself up dapper like a regency dandy and look for any androgynous person male or female to play around with! 

During those times I think more about being athletic, being tough and aloof and dominant in myself with others.

This side of me doesn’t come out often enough for me to say I’d be a regular transsexual, but it is there enough for me to have huge bouts of depression about not being a sexual chameleon in the true sense of the word, where I can literally shift my body into how I want to be for the day!

I often fantasize about all kinds of sexual activities, another thing which society finds shocking – a woman who thinks about sex a lot and different gender roles outside of sex.    

I fantasize about lesbian sex with other women, I fantasize about sex with men, I fantasize about sex with transgendered people, I fantasize about being a man who is having sex with another man, I fantasize about the whole caboodle from different angles, and sometimes even voyeurism.

I’m a sexual being and I have always been comfortable with that in myself, but society has tried to shame me!

Amongst all of this I find it a constant struggle to be open about other things I think about; such as being pregnant as a woman and having a large family to call my own in a traditional sense, whilst paradoxically thinking about fathering lots of children with lots of different women, so I spread my genes as it were.

 A huge issue with my depression since I have stepped into my forties is that my biological clock is running out and I am hugely resenting being a woman at this time.  I am becoming more profoundly jealous of men as I am getting older, for their ability to have babies whenever they want to just dip it into the nearest vagina! 

I wished I lived in a time where women could chose to transition into becoming a full man with a working penis which ejects real sperm, so that I could father children – I’d make that shift in a heartbeat as a 50^th birthday resolution if that were so! 

Whilst once again there is a paradox of the idea of being a gay man with no children and sometimes even a loose woman who doesn’t care about anything other than art, poetry and a good fuck!

I struggle to choose who I want to be on a daily basis.

I do not take kindly to society telling me that since I am in a woman’s body I should be a woman who is a man’s property and think nothing else of it.

That’s another problem I have apparently.  The fact that in a very real sense I would love to be just a woman who is a man’s property – for I am a creature of the BDSM community and submissive if not even slave-minded to the right kind of dominant man!  But I could never and will never be submissive to a woman!

In a lesbian relationship I am always the dominant partner.

In a heterosexual relationship, I prefer to be submissive.

Contrast, but for me it works and makes me happy.

Contrast once again, I have been known to be submissive but not a slave to a transsexual man (man becomes woman), but I could never be submissive to a transsexual woman (woman becomes man). 

If you think my sexuality is something that makes me depressed wait until you hear about the other things that have made me depressed over the years.  The idea that I have to choose my hair and eye colour and stick with it; Eye colour I can do nothing about, but hair colour sure – I have often wondered if I would be happiest to shave my head and live with a huge collection of wigs with different styles?

But how brave would I be to do that?

There will be more posts in the future about sexuality and my thoughts on it all, make no mistake and sometimes it won’t be for the faint hearted.

Thanks for reading!